You were right. It hurts to walk today.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
