Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
