We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Randomize
