tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
