I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
