In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
