Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
