Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
