I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I'm at about main and main street
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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