Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
