And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
