when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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