I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
