I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
