I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
