1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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