don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
