the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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