i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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