Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Randomize
