Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
