You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
