Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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