Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
