At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
She bit a glass in half.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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