Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
