She's the barista slut.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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