Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
