There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
