Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
