Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
