the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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