yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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