he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
third nipple confirmed
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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