On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
