will power is for people who don't want to get laid
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
