Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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