Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
