Im at strip club and am horny
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
