just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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