I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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