i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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