Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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