I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
