That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
We left the knife in your bed.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
