In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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