I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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