I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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