I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
