Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
