Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
