My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
