I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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