my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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